It's Okay
by Liquid Fire KAN
Summary: Thirty moments of growth. Ichigo's not the same boy to whom Rukia transferred powers. He's changed; grown, as the tale of destiny continues forevermore.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: BLEACH and all trademarks are the sole and rightful property of Kubo Tite and Shueisha Publishing.**

**Summary: **_Thirty moments of growth. Ichigo's not the same boy to whom Rukia transferred powers. He's changed; grown, as the tale of destiny continues forevermore._

**A/N: **Nothing.

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**Beginnings**

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He hated beginnings, because with beginnings, there inevitably came an ending. And he hated endings; he hated goodbyes; he hated farewells; he hated that he was back at the beginning – where he could no longer protect.

It was déjà vu; it was like before his mother died. There were no ghosts, there were no shinigami (none that he could see anyway), and there was most certainly no zanpakuto in his hand. There was no way for him to protect.

But it was different too.

Then, he did not know that such a power existed (if he had, he would have chased it), he did not know that shinigami existed (those were just fairytales), and he did not realize that trouble always seemed to find him. His mother was always there to protect him.

And then, she died. And then, he felt powerless. He could see ghosts, he could see suffering, but he could do nothing about it.

At the beginning, he met her. And she gave him powers. And he no longer felt helpless – he could help people; he could help the very spirits whom he had seen suffering. He could protect those whom he wanted to protect – he could be strong.

He was strong. He had been strong.

Now he was weak again (powerless) – hopeless. He could not be strong – not after losing his powers. It was the end for him. And he supposed that was what he must have thought when he tossed his shinigami badge into the river. And then he supposed that powerlessness was driving him insane when he leapt into the river (without a moment's hesitation), to retrieve it.

He could not throw the badge away – it was the only proof there had been a beginning. But there was also an ending. The badge was dead (it did not work for him).

But he supposed it was silly of him to expect it to work for him. After all, his powers were gone. It was already the end. He was powerless – weak.

There was fear too, that something would happen. And it became his constant companion.

Before his mother had died, there was no fear, and there was no powerlessness. After she had died, there was powerlessness in knowing he should have saved her. After the beginning, that feeling left him. And after the end it returned. After the end, there was fear too, because far too many scary things had happened.

He had seen too many things, and now he was powerless and scared. He preferred the time before his mother died, but before the beginning was good too – at least he wasn't afraid then (like he was now). He was only powerless then. But now he was afraid.

It seemed he had reason to be. Ishida had been hurt. And he did not know who did it. Even if he did know, he could do nothing about it (he was powerless). From the very ending, he had been powerless. From the very beginning, the ending was inevitable.

But he had not expected the ending. He had not anticipated losing his shinigami powers; he had not anticipated that Ginjo would ever…

He never had a clue that the ending was going to be what it was. And he didn't think that he would ever hate a beginning as much as he did this beginning. And hate it, he did. And hate Ginjo, he did. And hate his shinigami powers, he did.

And hate the world, he did. And hate everything, he did. And hate the beginning – he always had.

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But as she materialized before him (ethereally), he wondered if beginnings were as bad as he thought them to be.

"Rukia…"

He wondered if endings were just new beginnings, because it felt as though life had started anew.

"Long time no see, Ichigo," she said calmly, smirking. And then a white light engulfed everything.

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**Fin**

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**A/N: **Once again, nothing.

**~ Liquid Fire KAN**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: BLEACH and all trademarks are the sole and rightful property of Kubo Tite and Shueisha Publishing.**

**Summary:** _Thirty moments of growth. Ichigo's not the same boy to whom Rukia transferred powers. He's changed; grown, as the tale of destiny continues forevermore._

**A/N:** Written as an attempt to explain what happened before Riruka woke up.

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"Long time no see, Ichigo," the raven-haired girl smirked as a blinding white light consumed everything.

'Rukia,' he mulled the name over in his head, 'Rukia…'

He wasn't sure what to think. He was feeling too many things at once – happiness, relief, anger… He was overwhelmed, too overwhelmed to react.

Everything had happened so fast. Everything… And now he had his shinigami powers back. He smiled, setting Zangetsu down, and turned to look at Rukia. She was still smirking.

"Rukia," he said her name again. It had a nice ring to it. He felt comfortable.

She smiled. "Yeah, it's been a while, Ichigo."

Something rankled inside of him. It had been seventeen months. Seventeen months he had spent, powerless, and without Rukia. Seventeen months…

Then he looked at Rukia and smiled again. It seemed there would be time to deal with that later.

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**Accusations**

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"So…" he began awkwardly, "what've you all been doing since… you know…"

He averted his gaze unsure of what to say as he trailed off. It had been too long, and it was hard to fall back into the old swing of things (for him anyways).

He couldn't speak for her.

"Nothing really," she said calmly. He supposed he did not have to speak for her – she had always been much better with words than he was. He resented it slightly. She had no right to be so calm – not after all that had happened.

He scowled at her.

She elbowed him in the chest (just like old times). He scowled even harder, annoyed, and she frowned at him with a mixture of frustration and concern.

"What the hell is the matter with you, Ichigo?"

Clicking his tongue disapprovingly, he turned away, exhaling sharply. She wasn't getting off that easily – not this time. During the battle with Ginjo, he had been too relieved to say anything. He had just been glad she was there.

"Right…" His tone was brusque and sarcasm coated it heavily expressing his irritation. "You did nothing for seventeen months."

She sighed – she had not expected it to be easy. He was never easy. But she hadn't expected it to be difficult either. Her eyebrows rose, inquiring, "What do you want me to say fool? I'm a vice-captain now. I have several responsibilities. I know it's been a while but you should be able to understand that."

He nodded to himself slightly – he did understand. She was busy now. And he was still annoyed with her casual demeanour. It was almost as if nothing had happened; as though those seventeen months did not exist when they did. He would know – he was the one who had suffered through them.

The annoyance returned. "Damn Rukia. You must sign your name pretty fucking slowly."

"What the fuck are you implying?" she retorted, angry too. She had not expected him to be easy, but she could have never imagined he would be so difficult – so immature.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. He did not want to have this conversation now – he was too tired to fight. The battle with Ginjo had surprisingly taken a lot out of him. It was to be expected – it had been too long since his battle with Aizen. He was out of touch – with his powers, with her…

"Ichigo," Rukia shouted, "I asked you a question! Don't say stupid things and then not tell me why!"

Oh, so now he was the stupid one. "For fuck's sake Rukia, stop trying to act as though nothing happened!"

His fist clenched, "Because these seventeen months did happen. You can't deny it… So stop trying so fucking hard to make it seem as though nothing happened!"

Rukia's eyes widened marginally, taken aback. She had not been expecting that. She knew that he had every right to be angry and to feel resentful. Everyone had abandoned him. She had abandoned him. He had every right to be angry.

But she had never expected him to be as angry as he was. Her eyes glazed over. He was right; she was the stupid one, trying to act as though the seventeen months had never happened.

They had. And Ichigo had changed.

She appraised him. He had the same orange hair, the same scowl, the same everything. But he was not the same Ichigo.

"Ichigo, I…"

"You what, Rukia?" he snapped, "Moved on? I get it. There was no need for you to come visit me. I was powerless, and I was useless. I get it… I'm no use to the Soul Society or you without my powers. It's fi -"

SMACK!

Ichigo stared at Rukia in shock, rubbing his cheek - she had never slapped him before. She had hit him, and kicked him, and elbowed him.

But she had never slapped him.

"Fuck, Ichigo," she said shakily, "Don't act like you're the only one who's been suffering!"

"I am," he replied confidently having regained his composure, "I am the only one who's been suffering. That's obvious enough, dammit! If you cared so much, then why the hell didn't you come to visit until now… Until I regained powers, you stayed away from Karakura Town, and you have the nerve to tell me that you've been suffering too? Yeah fucking right…"

He scoffed. "You're a fucking vice-captain. Yeah Rukia… you must have suffered a whole lot…"

She slapped him again. "Stop throwing accusations around! You have no idea what it was like for me."

Her voice softened and she turned away, "You have no fucking idea how difficult this was for me... No idea…"

Ichigo grit his teeth. His annoyance still hadn't worn off (it had been seventeen months in the making). Seventeen months of pent up frustration… "Yeah, Rukia… I do have a pretty good idea. I already told you, you're a vice-captain. Life must have been hell for you!"

"It was," Rukia said simply, her back to Ichigo, "It was hell…"

"What," Ichigo inquired casually, "Too much paperwork? Because you could've always taken a break you know… And then you could've enjoyed your perfect, fucking, li -"

Ichigo stopped abruptly. Rukia was walking away. He glared at her retreating figure and then glared at pavement. Seventeen months of pent up frustration had taken its toll on him. Seventeen months without Rukia…

He looked up. She was almost completely gone. In the darkness of the night, he could only make out a silhouette. And it too, was fast fading, almost consumed by the night. Something snapped.

"Rukia, wait!"

She stopped. And then she started walking again. She did not want to talk to him, partially because she was distraught (because he had said so many hurtful things), and guilty (because there had been a shred of truth to what he had said). She had abandoned him. And of the two, she had been better off. She could never deny that. She had her powers, she could do something.

He could do nothing. She stopped walking again. Yes, she had had powers, but that meant nothing. She had suffered just as much as he had. And she was sure of the reason.

"Ichigo," she began, before he cut her off.

"I know."

He smiled finally. "I missed you too, Rukia… But we'll catch up later; there are other things to do…"

She followed his gaze towards Urahara Shoten. "Ah. Let's go fool."

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**Fin**

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**A/N: **Once again, nothing.

**~ Liquid Fire KAN**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: BLEACH and all trademarks are the sole and rightful property of Kubo Tite and Shueisha Publishing.**

**Summary:** _Thirty moments of growth. Ichigo's not the same boy to whom Rukia transferred powers. He's changed; grown, as the tale of destiny continues forevermore._

**A/N:** The missing seventeen months – Ichigo's lonely, but he won't admit it. Italics denote flashbacks. Inspired by one of Rui's artworks.

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**Restless**

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Life had finally returned to normal. He had his shinigami powers, and school was boring as always...

Ichigo glanced out the window. A hollow would be a welcome sight. Anything was better than this. He looked back to the front of the classroom where Ochi-sensei was delivering a lecture. Then he closed his eyes – yes, anything and everything was better than this. There was no need to pay attention. His gaze returned to the window.

A bird chirped. He sighed. The day really was boring. He looked up at the sky, 'I wonder if you're as bored as I am, Rukia… doing whatever it is you're doing…'

He couldn't be sure what that was. Paperwork, maybe… But he couldn't be sure. He didn't know what vice-captains did. And he had never bothered asking her. He had said that they would talk, hadn't he?

Sighing, he closed his eyes (the glare from the sun was irritating). He had said they would talk… later. Thank god for that. What was he supposed to say, that he had been a wreck without her?

Ichigo scowled – yes he had missed her, but there was no way in hell he would ever admit that – not even in a million years. He would never live it down. She would never let him live it down. Glancing up at the clouds, he sighed. 'It's a good thing that Rukia's in Soul Society… God knows what I'm going to tell her…"

Yawning, he returned his gaze to Ochi-sensei who was still ploughing on with her lecture, a little too excited about the lives of cells. How she could find such a topic interesting was beyond him.

He threw a glance at each of his classmates. All of them were engrossed in the lecture. Maybe it was just him. A lecture could hardly compare to the thrill of being a shinigami.

A soft breath escaped him – that wasn't it at all. The truth told, he just wasn't interested in school anymore. 'Maybe Keigo's right… Maybe I have given up on having a normal life…'

"_Oi," someone called from behind him, "What the hell's the matter with you, Kurosaki!" _

_He sighed wiping the blood from his lip. Appearances were everything to him now, and that wasn't about to change. _

"_Nothing's wrong, Ishida." He began to walk away. He didn't owe Ishida anything. He didn't owe anyone anything anymore. Everything he'd had, he'd already given – there was nothing left to give. _

"_The hell, nothing's wrong Kurosaki! You've been suffering. Stop acting as though nothing's the matter! We're all your friends!" He felt Ishida's arm on his shoulder, "We all know you miss her!" _

_A deep anger came roaring. _

"_Let go, Kurosaki!" Ishida choked as his grip around the Quincy's neck tightened. Ishida had no right to lecture him. What did he know? He couldn't understand – he didn't understand. He would never understand._

'_Damn him!' Ichigo grit his teeth, 'When he lost his fucking powers, we left him in the loop. It was like he hadn't fucking lost his powers at all… And now he's lecturing me about calming down when he doesn't even have the decency… when none of my friends even have the decency to let me know what's going on…'_

_His grip slackened, and Ishida dropped to the ground gasping. "Don't walk away, Kurosaki!"_

_Ichigo scoffed. Ishida was beginning to really annoy him. "I'll fucking walk away if I like. What I do is none of your business. After all, I'm not a part of the goddamn spirit world. You don't have to bother with me anymore. So fuck off."_

_When Ishida looked up, he was gone._

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_He was at the river again. He had been at the river a lot lately. A sneer graced his lips, "Feh, it's only natural that I'd come here… I was powerless that day. And I'm powerless now. This place is just proof of that..."_

"_I'm powerless." His eyes closed as he lay down on the river bank. They only opened again when the moon was out. _

"_Night…" Ichigo muttered. It was night already. That surprised him. But he supposed it shouldn't – time didn't really mean much to him anymore. And then he laughed sadly. Time meant nothing to him, but ironically enough he had kept count. Thirteen months… it had been thirteen months since he had lost his powers. _

_Thirteen months had passed since Rukia had last come to visit. Those thirteen months had taken its toll on him. _

_He ran his hand through his long hair (it had grown with time). He had grown – but unwillingly. That time was still frozen for him. That time…_

"_Aren't we nakama!" He could still hear her voice. It was as berating as it was thirteen months ago. She had been annoyed with him. He had left for Hueco Mundo without her. "Aren't we nakama!"_

"_Nakama don't abandon other nakama!" Something pricked at his eyes. He shut them. "If we're nakama then why did you leave…? Why did you abandon me…? Rukia… I… I miss you."_

_He felt tears stream down his face – he didn't care. It didn't matter, no one was there to see him – he was all alone… powerless… It was just him now. He was all alone. No one would come… _

_Rubbing his tears away Ichigo stuffed his fist into his bag and pulled out his shinigami badge. His fingers ran over it as he stared hard at it willing it to work for him until the tears came again. He gritted his teeth – of course it wouldn't work for him, he was powerless. The badge was useless; he was useless._

_The same rage he had felt towards Ishida returned in full swing. He chucked the badge as far as it would go. It landed with a plop in the river, and before he realized it, he was running towards the river. _

_He knew it was a stupid thing to do but he kept going – the restlessness, the powerlessness had gotten to him. He needed to do something, so he ran, and ran, and then finally dove into the river. _

_He needed to get the badge back but couldn't seem to find it. Spluttering for breath, Ichigo rose to the surface. And then he dove back in. Finally, his hand grasped something metallic – he had the badge. He had the badge…_

_But he couldn't rise to the surface. Coughing and spluttering for air, Ichigo felt himself being dragged deeper and deeper underwater as the current threw him around violently. Until finally his loose hand (frantically grasping at water) managed to grasp the bank somewhere far upstream. He hoisted himself up, exhausted._

"_Fuck. I almost drowned for this stupid thing." He looked down at the object in his hand, and sighed._

'_Whatever, I'd better get home…' _

"_Kurosaki," a voice called._

He opened his eyes and blinked. The entire class was looking at him (strangely). Ochi-sensei was glaring. "Kurosaki-san, would you care to explain the life cycle of a cell in detail?"

'Fuck.'

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Plopping himself down on his bed, Ichigo sighed. Maybe getting humiliated in front of the class had a good side to it. He thought, and then scowled. Being optimistic was difficult… But at least he had his powers back. And he could see Rukia. And she could visit him whenever… That was good.

"So," a female said casually from the telephone pole rousing Ichigo, "I heard you almost drowned."

Turning to face Rukia, Ichigo felt a bead of sweat trickle down his brow. This was not good. There was no good side to this. 'I'm so screwed.'

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**Fin**

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**A/N: **Again, nothing. Read and review.

**~ Liquid Fire KAN**


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